Everyone marries with the hope of feeling wedding bliss “until death do us part.” At the time of writing this book, several sources reported that 60% to 85% of marriages are unhappy, and the Divorce Rate (in Canada) is around 38%; this means that 22% to 47% of married couples remain in unhappy marriages until death do they part.

Only 7% of conflicts are due to the words of the message, which means that 93% of conflicts are due to the delivery of the message (quality of voice and body language). I intend to help people comprehend and resolve conflicts due to a simple misunderstanding of different personality styles – before conflict escalation. With the right rules and the right tools, wedding bliss “until death do us part” is possible for every Marriage.

It is simple … With Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, it is so simple that my sixteen-year-old son has a firm understanding of all the concepts taught in this book.

But it is not easy … Even with Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, I am almost sixty years old and still working to complete my Ph.D. level of STAR Personality Styles.

Improved Relationships, Guaranteed.

Bible Wisdom is guaranteed to improve all relationships as long as each member in the relationship is willing to study and apply Bible Wisdom to their relationships.

Bible Wisdom to Improve Relationships is a great place to start your journey to better, happier, and more fulfilling relationships.

The marriage relationship is a great place to start improving relationships within the community, society, business, government, nations, and the world.

Why is it important to comprehend and appreciate different personality styles? Everything is about relationships; everything that we do has an impact on at least some of the people around us in some way. It is generally important to understand why things happen in our world. We cannot fix something unless we determine that something is broken. We cannot determine that something is broken unless we know how it is supposed to behave. We cannot know how things are supposed to behave unless we understand the basic rules, and rules change according to needs and customs. We cannot understand rules unless we understand why the rules exist.

It comes down to report versus rapport. Task-oriented individuals like to focus on the details of report with minimal or no information about feelings of rapport. People-oriented individuals like to focus on the feelings or rapport with minimal information about the details of report.

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Spirit

“Nature” refers to all of the genes and hereditary factors (Biological Psychology) that determine our personality

“Nurture” refers to all the environmental factors (Sociological Psychology) that impact our personality, including our early childhood experiences, social relationships, and the society’s culture

The impact of Spiritual Psychology is an area that is often overlooked by science and that neither Nature nor Nurture can explain. The bodies might be biologically identical, and as twins, they are likely under the same sociological influences, so what makes each twin unique is their spirit.

To use the STAR Personality Style system, listen for what is not spoken as well as what is spoken. Listen for words that can be tied to feelings or emotions to determine if the speaker is people-oriented. Listen for words that can be tied to procedures, rules, or goals, to determine if the speaker is task-oriented. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, or quality of voice to determine if the speaker is extroverted or introverted. With these three observations, it is possible to determine the primary STAR personality style of the speaker. When you speak to the listener, watch for their body language and their responses to the personality style that you are presenting.

The main difference between Positive STARs and Negative RATSs can be seen in their patterns of speech. The positive words that Positive STARs habitually use to edify or build up others around them are spiritual blessings. Positive STARs understand the importance of arguing for a win-win solution.

Most individuals will develop and use two personality styles, and usually the two personality styles will be in the same category of task-oriented (Technical / Action) or people-oriented (Relationship / Support). Some believe that people will operate day-to-day in their primary personality style and use their secondary personality style to resolve conflicts.

I believe that everyone is pre-wired to desire relationships; RATSs and Crazy-Makers are no different than STARs in this regard. RATS and Crazy-Makers just have different perception of what relationship means.

Everyone likes their comfort-zone – even if their comfort-zone is dysfunctional; ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know’. Often people will seek relationships (personal, work, etc.) that will keep them in their comfort-zone, thus they continue their RATS or Crazy-Maker personality styles from childhood into adulthood. RATSs and Crazy-Makers need dysfunctional people to Gaslight in order to feel safe in their comfort-zone.

For the purposes of this book, I make a distinction between passive, defiant, and aggressive. Passive and defiant are different manifestations of passive-aggressive behaviour. To me, passive-aggressive and gaslighting are the same behaviour. The main difference between defiant and aggressive is that defiant will usually be verbally abusive whereas aggressive will often be physically violent.

It is both common and normal to be dependent on others but it is not healthy to be co-dependent. We depend on mechanics to fix our cars; we depend on doctors to recover our health; we depend on mail carriers to deliver mail and packages; etc. The simplest definition of dependent is ‘relying on the assistance or aid of another’. The simplest definition of co-dependent is ‘dependence on being needed or controlled by another’.

The main difference between positive STARs and negative RATSs can be seen in their pattern of speech. Whenever you, or your adversary, are fighting to achieve a win-lose result, you will both be losers. When a RATS or Crazy-Maker says “Let’s talk” or “I need to express my feelings”, they are actually warning that they are about to verbally abuse you and that they expect you to quietly accept their verbal abuse.

If you have ever had the repeated experience of an individual arguing against you very defiantly for a specific point, and then some days or weeks later, they have no recollection of the reasons why they argued so defiantly for that particular point, and further, they have no recollection of having argued defiantly against you, then you are likely dealing with a RATS.

Everything explained about tell-tale signs of RATSs is also true for Crazy-Makers with a few distinctions. In an adult or teenager, childish temper tantrums might signify you are dealing with a Crazy-Maker. Also, like children, Crazy-Makers crave attention and need to be the center of attention of everyone’s focus; the only way that the Crazy-Maker will stop attacking you is if you do precisely what the Crazy-Maker is demanding – to behave like a doll at a child’s tea party. Crazy-Maker children are challenging, but Crazy-Maker adults can be exasperating, creating depression in the people around them and causing others to feel that the only way that they can deal with the Crazy-Maker is to retaliate with Crazy-Maker behaviour of their own personality style.

Everyone has triggers. Triggers are memories and meta-messages that can dredge up traumatic memories and emotions from the past. The best description of a trigger is this: imagine an open wound that has just recently scabbed over and is now waiting to heal. Imagine someone quickly ripping that scab off; the pain you feel when the scab is ripped off is as painful as the original injury. A trigger causes you to relive the same painful memory of the past experience, and, with each repeated trigger, the emotional scar becomes more painful and more permanent. Imagine that a hypercritical person makes a hurtful comment: you may be able to resist reacting for a long time because you are confident in who you are; if the incident has not been resolved or there have been no fruits of repentance, then the continued hurtful pattern of comments, or behaviours, become a messy pile that has just been pushed to one side. After the hypercritical person has repeated the pattern of hurtful comments long enough without any resolution, the messy pile has become a mountain or meta-message. Every time the pattern is repeated, the entire meta-message mountain becomes an emotional landslide burying the sufferer with a mountain of unresolved hurt.

The time of Jesus’ crucifixion was the Passover. All Jews from all of Judah were required to celebrate the Passover at the temple in Jerusalem. This chapter is a short, and very brief, list of some of the RATSs involved in Jesus’ crucifixion.

Sociopaths and Psychopaths are probably created from task-oriented Technical or Action Personality Styles; it is the lack of empathy that removes the people-oriented brain activity from them.

When you argue, do you argue about details or feelings? When your opponent argues, does your opponent argue about details or feelings? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are task-oriented personality style or people-oriented style.

When you argue, do you yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? When your opponent argues, does your opponent yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are extroverted or introverted.

When you argue, do you threaten any violence? When your opponent argues, does your opponent threaten any violence? Negative Action Personality Style is the most likely to threaten violence so the answer to these two questions will determine if you, or your opponent, are negative Action Personality Style.

There are many types of listening and many will make distinction between active, reflective, empathic, pleasure, learning, and investigative listening. For my purposes, Active listening incorporates reflective and empathic listening.

The Technical Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very detail-oriented and have carefully considered facts before they decided on rules. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

The Action Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very focused on results. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

Disagreements are impossible to avoid. However, it is possible to prevent disagreements from escalating into conflict if the disagreeing parties are willing to communicate calmly and resolve conflicts before escalation occurs.

Comprehension of information or message is determined by content plus relationship plus context. Comprehension = content + relationship + context. The nouns (things or objects) in the message are the Content of the message; the verbs (actions) in the message are the relationship of the message; the details surrounding the subject (the noun that is doing something) and object (the noun that is receiving the action) is the context of the message. For example: if a message contains a car and a driver as content, there can be no comprehension of the message until the relationship and context can be determined; the relationship of the message might be: for sale, for repair, or involved in an accident. To complete the comprehension of the message, we still need context. With the content of the ‘damaged car’ and the ‘injured driver,’ and adding the relationship of ‘involved in an accident,’ we might assume that the driver was driving the car when it was involved in an accident. However, if we add in context (between the car and driver and the accident) that the injury occurred on a football field or that the accident occurred several months before, then we might comprehend that another driver crashed into the injured driver’s parked car, and the injured driver had difficulty getting in and out of the car due to the football injuries.

Conflicts are often caused by mistaken comprehension. According to Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words account for only seven percent of the message so ninety-three percent of the message is related to the delivery of the message, and delivery of the message is impacted by the personality style of the receiver.

Opposites often do attract: introverted with extroverted; task-oriented with people-oriented. Even though there is a romantic line that says ‘You complete me,’ couples should never look to complete each other because the jagged edges of one individual can never perfectly match the jagged edges of the other individual. No two people can live together without disagreements, but conflict does not need to end a marriage if the two spouses are willing to become more Christ-like. It takes two people to have a conflict, it takes two people to resolve the conflict, and it takes two people to ‘grow together’ to avoid future conflicts. Marriage is a divine blessing; faith and marriage are made of the same key ingredients. Faith = love + belief + trust + hope. Just as you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong faith, you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong marriage.

I hope that it is self-evident that “Fight Fair” is a term for verbal arguments and not physical fights; I hope there are no physical fights in your relationships.

Always do the right thing. Always use your will to fight with integrity to achieve the best results. Every room in your home should be a safe zone (especially the bedrooms and the dining room). I have taught the DESK method to several families. One Christian family uses their garage for their DESK conflict-resolution meetings. If you were called to the garage, you knew that it was probably for a DESK conflict-resolution meeting (using the garage had the advantage of keeping the meetings short because the meetings were standing meetings).

Over the years, I have worked with several counsellors and some have different systems of conflict resolution and some don’t teach conflict resolution. I like the DESK approach best. The acronym is not important but if the counsellor is not teaching Conflict Resolution, then you might be better served by another counsellor who does teach conflict resolution. In every conflict, there are two individuals who are at fault (to varying degrees); therefore, there are two individuals who need to grow in their STAR Personality Styles. If the counsellor is not willing or not able to identify areas where you both need improvement, then you might be better served by another counsellor who can help both individuals to grow.

If you see something wrong in the world, you can either do nothing, or you can do something. If you see something wrong in yourself, you can either do nothing, or you can do something. If you see something wrong in someone else, you cannot do anything except protect yourself.

If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, you don’t need to remain a RATS or Crazy-Maker for the rest of your life. If you are a RATS or Crazy-Maker and you have decided that it is time to grow up, you can use the relationship rules below to improve and/or establish great relationships. If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, psychotherapy or counselling will be very helpful in overcoming your RATS syndrome or Crazy-Maker syndrome.

My primary personality style is Relationship STAR, which corresponds to the I (for Inspirational) in the DISC Personality Traits system. Therefore, this book would not be complete without a section devoted to inspiration.

The Holy Bible teaches that husbands must love their wives so strongly that they are willing to lay down their lives for their wives. The fight is against Satan and not against your wife.

A covenant is similar to a contract in that it is a formal agreement involving two or more parties. However, a covenant is different from a contract because there is no out clause in a covenant. Usually, covenants have God as one of the parties to the agreement. Marriage is actually a sanctified covenant; there is no out clause as long as God is a part of the marriage.

This chapter has every relationship rule that you will need to overcome the RATS or Crazy-Maker syndrome and/or to establish great relationships into your life.

The DESK scenarios are small examples but, sometimes, a real apology is necessary as atonement for reconciliation.

You can never win if you lose your temper in an argument with a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker. You can never win if you lose your temper or release your anger on, at, or in the presence of, a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker.

As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is not the problem. As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is a very important part of your early warning system to protect your spirit from harmful trespass or transgression, such as yelling, criticism, complaining, gaslighting, or other negative emotional attacks.

This prayer should only be used with the Releasing and Expressing Anger described above. It would probably escalate conflict if spoken to the person you are angry with. The following prayer actually came from one of my ‘Releasing and Expressing Anger’ letters.

This prayer is one of my daily prayers and is especially useful before starting a DESK session.

God created Humankind in God’s Image, and God gave everyone free will. We can use our free will to choose how to respond to our circumstances. How we respond to our circumstances can actively change the matrix of our STAR Personality Styles.

Because everyone has free will and their own unique circumstances, it is very unlikely that two people will react or respond in the same way to the same stimulus. Thus, there are no two people alike in the world, with a population of billions of people.

If we are able to follow Jesus Christ as our role model through the development of our STAR Personality Styles, the matrix of different STAR Personality Styles can vary across time, circumstances, and individuals. Not only can our STAR Personality Style matrix change in terms of personality styles, but we can also change in terms of the people versus task orientation of our personality styles.

The easiest way to demonstrate this fluidity is by exploring the development of my own STAR Personality Styles over my lifetime in response to different stimuli.

Everyone marries with the hope of feeling wedding bliss “until death do us part.” At the time of writing this book, several sources reported that 60% to 85% of marriages are unhappy, and the Divorce Rate (in Canada) is around 38%; this means that 22% to 47% of married couples remain in unhappy marriages until death do they part.

Only 7% of conflicts are due to the words of the message, which means that 93% of conflicts are due to the delivery of the message (quality of voice and body language). I intend to help people comprehend and resolve conflicts due to a simple misunderstanding of different personality styles – before conflict escalation. With the right rules and the right tools, wedding bliss “until death do us part” is possible for every Marriage.

It is simple … With Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, it is so simple that my sixteen-year-old son has a firm understanding of all the concepts taught in this book.

But it is not easy … Even with Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, I am almost sixty years old and still working to complete my Ph.D. level of STAR Personality Styles.

Improved Relationships, Guaranteed.

Bible Wisdom is guaranteed to improve all relationships as long as each member in the relationship is willing to study and apply Bible Wisdom to their relationships.

Bible Wisdom to Improve Relationships is a great place to start your journey to better, happier, and more fulfilling relationships.

The marriage relationship is a great place to start improving relationships within the community, society, business, government, nations, and the world.

Why is it important to comprehend and appreciate different personality styles? Everything is about relationships; everything that we do has an impact on at least some of the people around us in some way. It is generally important to understand why things happen in our world. We cannot fix something unless we determine that something is broken. We cannot determine that something is broken unless we know how it is supposed to behave. We cannot know how things are supposed to behave unless we understand the basic rules, and rules change according to needs and customs. We cannot understand rules unless we understand why the rules exist.

It comes down to report versus rapport. Task-oriented individuals like to focus on the details of report with minimal or no information about feelings of rapport. People-oriented individuals like to focus on the feelings or rapport with minimal information about the details of report.

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Spirit

“Nature” refers to all of the genes and hereditary factors (Biological Psychology) that determine our personality

“Nurture” refers to all the environmental factors (Sociological Psychology) that impact our personality, including our early childhood experiences, social relationships, and the society’s culture

The impact of Spiritual Psychology is an area that is often overlooked by science and that neither Nature nor Nurture can explain. The bodies might be biologically identical, and as twins, they are likely under the same sociological influences, so what makes each twin unique is their spirit.

To use the STAR Personality Style system, listen for what is not spoken as well as what is spoken. Listen for words that can be tied to feelings or emotions to determine if the speaker is people-oriented. Listen for words that can be tied to procedures, rules, or goals, to determine if the speaker is task-oriented. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, or quality of voice to determine if the speaker is extroverted or introverted. With these three observations, it is possible to determine the primary STAR personality style of the speaker. When you speak to the listener, watch for their body language and their responses to the personality style that you are presenting.

The main difference between Positive STARs and Negative RATSs can be seen in their patterns of speech. The positive words that Positive STARs habitually use to edify or build up others around them are spiritual blessings. Positive STARs understand the importance of arguing for a win-win solution.

Most individuals will develop and use two personality styles, and usually the two personality styles will be in the same category of task-oriented (Technical / Action) or people-oriented (Relationship / Support). Some believe that people will operate day-to-day in their primary personality style and use their secondary personality style to resolve conflicts.

I believe that everyone is pre-wired to desire relationships; RATSs and Crazy-Makers are no different than STARs in this regard. RATS and Crazy-Makers just have different perception of what relationship means.

Everyone likes their comfort-zone – even if their comfort-zone is dysfunctional; ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know’. Often people will seek relationships (personal, work, etc.) that will keep them in their comfort-zone, thus they continue their RATS or Crazy-Maker personality styles from childhood into adulthood. RATSs and Crazy-Makers need dysfunctional people to Gaslight in order to feel safe in their comfort-zone.

For the purposes of this book, I make a distinction between passive, defiant, and aggressive. Passive and defiant are different manifestations of passive-aggressive behaviour. To me, passive-aggressive and gaslighting are the same behaviour. The main difference between defiant and aggressive is that defiant will usually be verbally abusive whereas aggressive will often be physically violent.

It is both common and normal to be dependent on others but it is not healthy to be co-dependent. We depend on mechanics to fix our cars; we depend on doctors to recover our health; we depend on mail carriers to deliver mail and packages; etc. The simplest definition of dependent is ‘relying on the assistance or aid of another’. The simplest definition of co-dependent is ‘dependence on being needed or controlled by another’.

The main difference between positive STARs and negative RATSs can be seen in their pattern of speech. Whenever you, or your adversary, are fighting to achieve a win-lose result, you will both be losers. When a RATS or Crazy-Maker says “Let’s talk” or “I need to express my feelings”, they are actually warning that they are about to verbally abuse you and that they expect you to quietly accept their verbal abuse.

If you have ever had the repeated experience of an individual arguing against you very defiantly for a specific point, and then some days or weeks later, they have no recollection of the reasons why they argued so defiantly for that particular point, and further, they have no recollection of having argued defiantly against you, then you are likely dealing with a RATS.

Everything explained about tell-tale signs of RATSs is also true for Crazy-Makers with a few distinctions. In an adult or teenager, childish temper tantrums might signify you are dealing with a Crazy-Maker. Also, like children, Crazy-Makers crave attention and need to be the center of attention of everyone’s focus; the only way that the Crazy-Maker will stop attacking you is if you do precisely what the Crazy-Maker is demanding – to behave like a doll at a child’s tea party. Crazy-Maker children are challenging, but Crazy-Maker adults can be exasperating, creating depression in the people around them and causing others to feel that the only way that they can deal with the Crazy-Maker is to retaliate with Crazy-Maker behaviour of their own personality style.

Everyone has triggers. Triggers are memories and meta-messages that can dredge up traumatic memories and emotions from the past. The best description of a trigger is this: imagine an open wound that has just recently scabbed over and is now waiting to heal. Imagine someone quickly ripping that scab off; the pain you feel when the scab is ripped off is as painful as the original injury. A trigger causes you to relive the same painful memory of the past experience, and, with each repeated trigger, the emotional scar becomes more painful and more permanent. Imagine that a hypercritical person makes a hurtful comment: you may be able to resist reacting for a long time because you are confident in who you are; if the incident has not been resolved or there have been no fruits of repentance, then the continued hurtful pattern of comments, or behaviours, become a messy pile that has just been pushed to one side. After the hypercritical person has repeated the pattern of hurtful comments long enough without any resolution, the messy pile has become a mountain or meta-message. Every time the pattern is repeated, the entire meta-message mountain becomes an emotional landslide burying the sufferer with a mountain of unresolved hurt.

The time of Jesus’ crucifixion was the Passover. All Jews from all of Judah were required to celebrate the Passover at the temple in Jerusalem. This chapter is a short, and very brief, list of some of the RATSs involved in Jesus’ crucifixion.

Sociopaths and Psychopaths are probably created from task-oriented Technical or Action Personality Styles; it is the lack of empathy that removes the people-oriented brain activity from them.

When you argue, do you argue about details or feelings? When your opponent argues, does your opponent argue about details or feelings? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are task-oriented personality style or people-oriented style.

When you argue, do you yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? When your opponent argues, does your opponent yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are extroverted or introverted.

When you argue, do you threaten any violence? When your opponent argues, does your opponent threaten any violence? Negative Action Personality Style is the most likely to threaten violence so the answer to these two questions will determine if you, or your opponent, are negative Action Personality Style.

There are many types of listening and many will make distinction between active, reflective, empathic, pleasure, learning, and investigative listening. For my purposes, Active listening incorporates reflective and empathic listening.

The Technical Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very detail-oriented, and have carefully considered facts before they decide on rules. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

The Action Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very focused on results. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

Disagreements are impossible to avoid. However, it is possible to prevent disagreements from escalating into conflict if the disagreeing parties are willing to communicate calmly and resolve conflicts before escalation occurs.

Comprehension of information or message is determined by content plus relationship plus context. Comprehension = content + relationship + context. The nouns (things or objects) in the message are the Content of the message; the verbs (actions) in the message are the relationship of the message; the details surrounding the subject (the noun that is doing something) and object (the noun that is receiving the action) are the context of the message. For example: if a message contains a car and a driver as content, there can be no comprehension of the message until the relationship and context can be determined; the relationship of the message might be: for sale, for repair, or involved in an accident. To complete the comprehension of the message, we still need context. With the content of the ‘damaged car’ and the ‘injured driver,’ and adding the relationship of ‘involved in an accident,’ we might assume that the driver was driving the car when it was involved in an accident. However, if we add in context (between the car and driver and the accident) that the injury occurred on a football field or that the accident occurred several months before, then we might comprehend that another driver crashed into the injured driver’s parked car, and the injured driver had difficulty getting in and out of the car due to the football injuries.

Conflicts are often caused by mistaken comprehension. According to Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words account for only seven percent of the message, so ninety-three percent of the message is related to the delivery of the message, and delivery of the message is impacted by the personality style of the receiver.

Opposites often do attract: introverted with extroverted; task-oriented with people-oriented. Even though there is a romantic line that says ‘You complete me,’ couples should never look to complete each other because the jagged edges of one individual can never perfectly match the jagged edges of the other individual. No two people can live together without disagreements, but conflict does not need to end a marriage if the two spouses are willing to become more Christ-like. It takes two people to have a conflict, it takes two people to resolve the conflict, and it takes two people to ‘grow together’ to avoid future conflicts. Marriage is a divine blessing; faith and marriage are made of the same key ingredients. Faith = love + belief + trust + hope. Just as you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong faith, you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong marriage.

I hope that it is self-evident that “Fight Fair” is a term for verbal arguments and not physical fights; I hope there are no physical fights in your relationships.

Always do the right thing. Always use your will to fight with integrity to achieve the best results. Every room in your home should be a safe zone (especially the bedrooms and the dining room). I have taught the DESK method to several families. One Christian family uses their garage for their DESK conflict-resolution meetings. If you were called to the garage, you knew that it was probably for a DESK conflict-resolution meeting (using the garage had the advantage of keeping the meetings short because the meetings were standing meetings).

Over the years, I have worked with several counsellors, and some have different systems of conflict resolution, and some don’t teach conflict resolution. I like the DESK approach best. The acronym is not important, but if the counsellor is not teaching Conflict Resolution, then you might be better served by another counsellor who does teach conflict resolution. In every conflict, there are two individuals who are at fault (to varying degrees); therefore, there are two individuals who need to grow in their STAR Personality Styles. If the counsellor is not willing or not able to identify areas where you both need improvement, then you might be better served by another counsellor who can help both individuals to grow.

If you see something wrong in the world, you can either do nothing, or you can do something. If you see something wrong in yourself, you can either do nothing, or you can do something. If you see something wrong in someone else, you cannot do anything except protect yourself.

If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, you don’t need to remain a RATS or Crazy-Maker for the rest of your life. If you are a RATS or Crazy-Maker and you have decided that it is time to grow up, you can use the relationship rules below to improve and/or establish great relationships. If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, psychotherapy or counselling will be very helpful in overcoming your RATS syndrome or Crazy-Maker syndrome.

My primary personality style is Relationship STAR, which corresponds to the I (for Inspirational) in the DISC Personality Traits system. Therefore, this book would not be complete without a section devoted to inspiration.

The Holy Bible teaches that husbands must love their wives so strongly that they are willing to lay down their lives for their wives. The fight is against Satan and not against your wife.

A covenant is similar to a contract in that it is a formal agreement involving two or more parties. However, a covenant is different from a contract because there is no out clause in a covenant. Usually, covenants have God as one of the parties to the agreement. Marriage is actually a sanctified covenant; there is no out clause as long as God is a part of the marriage.

This chapter has every relationship rule that you will need to overcome the RATS or Crazy-Maker syndrome and/or to establish great relationships into your life.

The DESK scenarios are small examples, but sometimes a real apology is necessary as atonement for reconciliation.

You can never win if you lose your temper in an argument with a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker. You can never win if you lose your temper or release your anger on, at, or in the presence of, a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker.

As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is not the problem. As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is a very important part of your early warning system to protect your spirit from harmful trespass or transgression, such as yelling, criticism, complaining, gaslighting, or other negative emotional attacks.

This prayer should only be used with the Releasing and Expressing Anger described above. It would probably escalate conflict if spoken to the person you are angry with. The following prayer actually came from one of my ‘Releasing and Expressing Anger’ letters.

This prayer is one of my daily prayers and is especially useful before starting a DESK session.

God created Humankind in God’s Image, and God gave everyone free will. We can use our free will to choose how to respond to our circumstances. How we respond to our circumstances can actively change the matrix of our STAR Personality Styles.

Because everyone has free will and their own unique circumstances, it is very unlikely that two people will react or respond in the same way to the same stimulus. Thus, there are no two people alike in the world, with a population of billions of people.

If we are able to follow Jesus Christ as our role model through the development of our STAR Personality Styles, the matrix of different STAR Personality Styles can vary across time, circumstances, and individuals. Not only can our STAR Personality Style matrix change in terms of personality styles, but we can also change in terms of the people versus task orientation of our personality styles.

The easiest way to demonstrate this fluidity is by exploring the development of my own STAR Personality Styles over my lifetime in response to different stimuli.

Everyone marries with the hope of feeling wedding bliss “until death do us part.” At the time of writing this book, several sources reported that 60% to 85% of marriages are unhappy, and the Divorce Rate (in Canada) is around 38%; this means that 22% to 47% of married couples remain in unhappy marriages until death do they part.

Only 7% of conflicts are due to the words of the message, which means that 93% of conflicts are due to the delivery of the message (quality of voice and body language). I intend to help people comprehend and resolve conflicts due to a simple misunderstanding of different personality styles – before conflict escalation. With the right rules and the right tools, wedding bliss “until death do us part” is possible for every Marriage.

It is simple … With Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, it is so simple that my sixteen-year-old son has a firm understanding of all the concepts taught in this book.

But it is not easy … Even with Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, I am almost sixty years old and still working to complete my Ph.D. level of STAR Personality Styles.

Improved Relationships, Guaranteed.

Bible Wisdom is guaranteed to improve all relationships as long as each member in the relationship is willing to study and apply Bible Wisdom to their relationships.

Bible Wisdom to Improve Relationships is a great place to start your journey to better, happier, and more fulfilling relationships.

The marriage relationship is a great place to start improving relationships within the community, society, business, government, nations, and the world.

Why is it important to comprehend and appreciate different personality styles? Everything is about relationships; everything that we do has an impact on at least some of the people around us in some way. It is generally important to understand why things happen in our world. We cannot fix something unless we determine that something is broken. We cannot determine that something is broken unless we know how it is supposed to behave. We cannot know how things are supposed to behave unless we understand the basic rules, and rules change according to needs and customs. We cannot understand rules unless we understand why the rules exist.

It comes down to report versus rapport. Task-oriented individuals like to focus on the details of report with minimal or no information about feelings of rapport. People-oriented individuals like to focus on the feelings or rapport with minimal information about the details of report.

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Spirit

“Nature” refers to all of the genes and hereditary factors (Biological Psychology) that determine our personality

“Nurture” refers to all the environmental factors (Sociological Psychology) that impact our personality, including our early childhood experiences, social relationships, and the society’s culture

The impact of Spiritual Psychology is an area that is often overlooked by science and that neither Nature nor Nurture can explain. The bodies might be biologically identical, and as twins, they are likely under the same sociological influences, so what makes each twin unique is their spirit.

To use the STAR Personality Style system, listen for what is not spoken as well as what is spoken. Listen for words that can be tied to feelings or emotions to determine if the speaker is people-oriented. Listen for words that can be tied to procedures, rules, or goals, to determine if the speaker is task-oriented. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, or quality of voice to determine if the speaker is extroverted or introverted. With these three observations, it is possible to determine the primary STAR personality style of the speaker. When you speak to the listener, watch for their body language and their responses to the personality style that you are presenting.

The main difference between Positive STARs and Negative RATSs can be seen in their patterns of speech. The positive words that Positive STARs habitually use to edify or build up others around them are spiritual blessings. Positive STARs understand the importance of arguing for a win-win solution.

Most individuals will develop and use two personality styles, and usually the two personality styles will be in the same category of task-oriented (Technical / Action) or people-oriented (Relationship / Support). Some believe that people will operate day-to-day in their primary personality style and use their secondary personality style to resolve conflicts.

I believe that everyone is pre-wired to desire relationships; RATSs and Crazy-Makers are no different than STARs in this regard. RATS and Crazy-Makers just have different perceptions of what a relationship means.

Everyone likes their comfort-zone – even if their comfort-zone is dysfunctional; ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know’. Often, people will seek relationships (personal, work, etc.) that will keep them in their comfort-zone, thus they continue their RATS or Crazy-Maker personality styles from childhood into adulthood. RATSs and Crazy-Makers need dysfunctional people to Gaslight in order to feel safe in their comfort-zone.

For the purposes of this book, I make a distinction between passive, defiant, and aggressive. Passive and defiant are different manifestations of passive-aggressive behaviour. To me, passive-aggressive and gaslighting are the same behaviour. The main difference between defiant and aggressive is that defiant will usually be verbally abusive, whereas aggressive will often be physically violent.

It is both common and normal to be dependent on others, but it is not healthy to be co-dependent. We depend on mechanics to fix our cars; we depend on doctors to recover our health; we depend on mail carriers to deliver mail and packages; etc. The simplest definition of dependent is ‘relying on the assistance or aid of another’. The simplest definition of co-dependent is ‘dependence on being needed or controlled by another’.

The main difference between positive STARs and negative RATSs can be seen in their pattern of speech. Whenever you or your adversary are fighting to achieve a win-lose result, you will both be losers. When a RATS or Crazy-Maker says “Let’s talk” or “I need to express my feelings”, they are actually warning that they are about to verbally abuse you and that they expect you to quietly accept their verbal abuse.

If you have ever had the repeated experience of an individual arguing against you very defiantly for a specific point, and then some days or weeks later, they have no recollection of the reasons why they argued so defiantly for that particular point, and further, they have no recollection of having argued defiantly against you, then you are likely dealing with a RATS.

Everything explained about the tell-tale signs of RATSs is also true for Crazy-Makers, with a few distinctions. In an adult or teenager, childish temper tantrums might signify you are dealing with a Crazy-Maker. Also, like children, Crazy-Makers crave attention and need to be the center of attention of everyone’s focus; the only way that the Crazy-Maker will stop attacking you is if you do precisely what the Crazy-Maker is demanding – to behave like a doll at a child’s tea party. Crazy-Maker children are challenging, but Crazy-Maker adults can be exasperating, creating depression in the people around them and causing others to feel that the only way that they can deal with the Crazy-Maker is to retaliate with Crazy-Maker behaviour of their own personality style.

Everyone has triggers. Triggers are memories and meta-messages that can dredge up traumatic memories and emotions from the past. The best description of a trigger is this: imagine an open wound that has just recently scabbed over and is now waiting to heal. Imagine someone quickly ripping that scab off; the pain you feel when the scab is ripped off is as painful as the original injury. A trigger causes you to relive the same painful memory of the past experience, and, with each repeated trigger, the emotional scar becomes more painful and more permanent. Imagine that a hypercritical person makes a hurtful comment: you may be able to resist reacting for a long time because you are confident in who you are; if the incident has not been resolved or there have been no fruits of repentance, then the continued hurtful pattern of comments, or behaviours, become a messy pile that has just been pushed to one side. After the hypercritical person has repeated the pattern of hurtful comments long enough without any resolution, the messy pile has become a mountain or meta-message. Every time the pattern is repeated, the entire meta-message mountain becomes an emotional landslide, burying the sufferer with a mountain of unresolved hurt.

The time of Jesus’ crucifixion was the Passover. All Jews from all of Judah were required to celebrate the Passover at the temple in Jerusalem. This chapter is a short and very brief list of some of the RATSs involved in Jesus’ crucifixion.

Sociopaths and Psychopaths are probably created from task-oriented Technical or Action Personality Styles; it is the lack of empathy that removes the people-oriented brain activity from them.

When you argue, do you argue about details or feelings? When your opponent argues, does your opponent argue about details or feelings? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, have a task-oriented personality style or a people-oriented style.

When you argue, do you yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? When your opponent argues, does your opponent yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are extroverted or introverted.

When you argue, do you threaten any violence? When your opponent argues, does your opponent threaten any violence? Negative Action Personality Style is the most likely to threaten violence, so the answer to these two questions will determine if you, or your opponent, has a negative Action Personality Style.

There are many types of listening, and many will make a distinction between active, reflective, empathic, pleasure, learning, and investigative listening. For my purposes, Active listening incorporates reflective and empathic listening.

The Technical Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very detail-oriented, and have carefully considered facts before they decide on rules. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

The Action Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very focused on results. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

Disagreements are impossible to avoid. However, it is possible to prevent disagreements from escalating into conflict if the disagreeing parties are willing to communicate calmly and resolve conflicts before escalation occurs.

Comprehension of information or a message is determined by content plus relationship plus context. Comprehension = content + relationship + context. The nouns (things or objects) in the message are the Content of the message; the verbs (actions) in the message are the relationship of the message; the details surrounding the subject (the noun that is doing something) and object (the noun that is receiving the action) are the context of the message. For example: if a message contains a car and a driver as content, there can be no comprehension of the message until the relationship and context can be determined; the relationship of the message might be: for sale, for repair, or involved in an accident. To complete the comprehension of the message, we still need context. With the content of the ‘damaged car’ and the ‘injured driver,’ and adding the relationship of ‘involved in an accident,’ we might assume that the driver was driving the car when it was involved in an accident. However, if we add in context (between the car and driver and the accident) that the injury occurred on a football field or that the accident occurred several months before, then we might comprehend that another driver crashed into the injured driver’s parked car, and the injured driver had difficulty getting in and out of the car due to the football injuries.

Conflicts are often caused by mistaken comprehension. According to Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words account for only seven percent of the message so ninety-three percent of the message is related to the delivery of the message, and delivery of the message is impacted by the personality style of the receiver.

Opposites often do attract: introverted with extroverted; task-oriented with people-oriented. Even though there is a romantic line that says ‘You complete me,’ couples should never look to complete each other because the jagged edges of one individual can never perfectly match the jagged edges of the other individual. No two people can live together without disagreements, but conflict does not need to end a marriage if the two spouses are willing to become more Christ-like. It takes two people to have a conflict, it takes two people to resolve the conflict, and it takes two people to ‘grow together’ to avoid future conflicts. Marriage is a divine blessing; faith and marriage are made of the same key ingredients. Faith = love + belief + trust + hope. Just as you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong faith, you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong marriage.

I hope that it is self-evident that “Fight Fair” is a term for verbal arguments and not physical fights; I hope there are no physical fights in your relationships.

Always do the right thing. Always use your will to fight with integrity to achieve the best results. Every room in your home should be a safe zone (especially the bedrooms and the dining room). I have taught the DESK method to several families. One Christian family uses their garage for their DESK conflict-resolution meetings. If you were called to the garage, you knew that it was probably for a DESK conflict-resolution meeting (using the garage had the advantage of keeping the meetings short because the meetings were standing meetings).

Over the years, I have worked with several counsellors, and some have different systems of conflict resolution and some don’t teach conflict resolution. I like the DESK approach best. The acronym is not important, but if the counsellor is not teaching Conflict Resolution, then you might be better served by another counsellor who does teach conflict resolution. In every conflict, there are two individuals who are at fault (to varying degrees); therefore, there are two individuals who need to grow in their STAR Personality Styles. If the counsellor is not willing or not able to identify areas where you both need improvement, then you might be better served by another counsellor who can help both individuals to grow.

If you see something wrong in the world, you can either do nothing or you can do something. If you see something wrong in yourself, you can either do nothing or you can do something. If you see something wrong in someone else, you cannot do anything except protect yourself.

If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, you don’t need to remain a RATS or Crazy-Maker for the rest of your life. If you are a RATS or Crazy-Maker and you have decided that it is time to grow up, you can use the relationship rules below to improve and/or establish great relationships. If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, psychotherapy or counselling will be very helpful in overcoming your RATS syndrome or Crazy-Maker syndrome.

My primary personality style is Relationship STAR, which corresponds to the I (for Inspirational) in the DISC Personality Traits system. Therefore, this book would not be complete without a section devoted to inspiration.

The Holy Bible teaches that husbands must love their wives so strongly that they are willing to lay down their lives for their wives. The fight is against Satan and not against your wife.

A covenant is similar to a contract in that it is a formal agreement involving two or more parties. However, a covenant is different from a contract because there is no out clause in a covenant. Usually, covenants have God as one of the parties to the agreement. Marriage is actually a sanctified covenant; there is no out clause as long as God is a part of the marriage.

This chapter has every relationship rule that you will need to overcome the RATS or Crazy-Maker syndrome and/or to establish great relationships into your life.

The DESK scenarios are small examples, but sometimes a real apology is necessary as atonement for reconciliation.

You can never win if you lose your temper in an argument with a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker. You can never win if you lose your temper or release your anger on, at, or in the presence of, a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker.

As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is not the problem. As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is a very important part of your early warning system to protect your spirit from harmful trespass or transgression, such as yelling, criticism, complaining, gaslighting, or other negative emotional attacks.

This prayer should only be used with the Releasing and Expressing Anger described above. It would probably escalate the conflict if spoken to the person you are angry with. The following prayer actually came from one of my ‘Releasing and Expressing Anger’ letters.

This prayer is one of my daily prayers and is especially useful before starting a DESK session.

God created Humankind in God’s Image, and God gave everyone free will. We can use our free will to choose how to respond to our circumstances. How we respond to our circumstances can actively change the matrix of our STAR Personality Styles.

Because everyone has free will and their own unique circumstances, it is very unlikely that two people will react or respond in the same way to the same stimulus. Thus, there are no two people alike in the world, with a population of billions of people.

If we are able to follow Jesus Christ as our role model through the development of our STAR Personality Styles, the matrix of different STAR Personality Styles can vary across time, circumstances, and individuals. Not only can our STAR Personality Style matrix change in terms of personality styles, but we can also change in terms of the people versus task orientation of our personality styles.

The easiest way to demonstrate this fluidity is by exploring the development of my own STAR Personality Styles over my lifetime in response to different stimuli.

Everyone marries with the hope of feeling wedding bliss “until death do us part.” At the time of writing this book, several sources reported that 60% to 85% of marriages are unhappy, and the Divorce Rate (in Canada) is around 38%; this means that 22% to 47% of married couples remain in unhappy marriages until death do they part.

Only 7% of conflicts are due to the words of the message, which means that 93% of conflicts are due to the delivery of the message (quality of voice and body language). I intend to help people comprehend and resolve conflicts due to a simple misunderstanding of different personality styles – before conflict escalation. With the right rules and the right tools, wedding bliss “until death do us part” is possible for every Marriage.

It is simple … With Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, it is so simple that my sixteen-year-old son has a firm understanding of all the concepts taught in this book.

But it is not easy … Even with Jesus Christ as the perfect role model, I am almost sixty years old and still working to complete my Ph.D. level of STAR Personality Styles.

Improved Relationships, Guaranteed.

Bible Wisdom is guaranteed to improve all relationships as long as each member in the relationship is willing to study and apply Bible Wisdom to their relationships.

Bible Wisdom to Improve Relationships is a great place to start your journey to better, happier, and more fulfilling relationships.

The marriage relationship is a great place to start improving relationships within the community, society, business, government, nations, and the world.

Why is it important to comprehend and appreciate different personality styles? Everything is about relationships; everything that we do has an impact on at least some of the people around us in some way. It is generally important to understand why things happen in our world. We cannot fix something unless we determine that something is broken. We cannot determine that something is broken unless we know how it is supposed to behave. We cannot know how things are supposed to behave unless we understand the basic rules, and rules change according to needs and customs. We cannot understand rules unless we understand why the rules exist.

It comes down to report versus rapport. Task-oriented individuals like to focus on the details of report with minimal or no information about feelings of rapport. People-oriented individuals like to focus on the feelings or rapport with minimal information about the details of report.

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Spirit

“Nature” refers to all of the genes and hereditary factors (Biological Psychology) that determine our personality

“Nurture” refers to all the environmental factors (Sociological Psychology) that impact our personality, including our early childhood experiences, social relationships, and the society’s culture

The impact of Spiritual Psychology is an area that is often overlooked by science and that neither Nature nor Nurture can explain. The bodies might be biologically identical, and as twins, they are likely under the same sociological influences, so what makes each twin unique is their spirit.

To use the STAR Personality Style system, listen for what is not spoken as well as what is spoken. Listen for words that can be tied to feelings or emotions to determine if the speaker is people-oriented. Listen for words that can be tied to procedures, rules, or goals, to determine if the speaker is task-oriented. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, or quality of voice to determine if the speaker is extroverted or introverted. With these three observations, it is possible to determine the primary STAR personality style of the speaker. When you speak to the listener, watch for their body language and their responses to the personality style that you are presenting.

The main difference between Positive STARs and Negative RATSs can be seen in their patterns of speech. The positive words that Positive STARs habitually use to edify or build up others around them are spiritual blessings. Positive STARs understand the importance of arguing for a win-win solution.

Most individuals will develop and use two personality styles, and usually the two personality styles will be in the same category of task-oriented (Technical / Action) or people-oriented (Relationship / Support). Some believe that people will operate day-to-day in their primary personality style and use their secondary personality style to resolve conflicts.

I believe that everyone is pre-wired to desire relationships; RATSs and Crazy-Makers are no different than STARs in this regard. RATS and Crazy-Makers just have different perceptions of what relationship means.

Everyone likes their comfort-zone – even if their comfort-zone is dysfunctional; ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know’. Often, people will seek relationships (personal, work, etc.) that will keep them in their comfort-zone, thus they continue their RATS or Crazy-Maker personality styles from childhood into adulthood. RATSs and Crazy-Makers need dysfunctional people to Gaslight in order to feel safe in their comfort-zone.

For the purposes of this book, I make a distinction between passive, defiant, and aggressive. Passive and defiant are different manifestations of passive-aggressive behaviour. To me, passive-aggressive and gaslighting are the same behaviour. The main difference between defiant and aggressive is that defiant will usually be verbally abusive, whereas aggressive will often be physically violent.

It is both common and normal to be dependent on others, but it is not healthy to be co-dependent. We depend on mechanics to fix our cars; we depend on doctors to recover our health; we depend on mail carriers to deliver mail and packages; etc. The simplest definition of dependent is ‘relying on the assistance or aid of another’. The simplest definition of co-dependent is ‘dependence on being needed or controlled by another’.

The main difference between positive STARs and negative RATSs can be seen in their pattern of speech. Whenever you or your adversary are fighting to achieve a win-lose result, you will both be losers. When a RATS or Crazy-Maker says “Let’s talk” or “I need to express my feelings”, they are actually warning that they are about to verbally abuse you and that they expect you to quietly accept their verbal abuse.

If you have ever had the repeated experience of an individual arguing against you very defiantly for a specific point, and then some days or weeks later, they have no recollection of the reasons why they argued so defiantly for that particular point, and further, they have no recollection of having argued defiantly against you, then you are likely dealing with a RATS.

Everything explained about the tell-tale signs of RATSs is also true for Crazy-Makers with a few distinctions. In an adult or teenager, childish temper tantrums might signify you are dealing with a Crazy-Maker. Also, like children, Crazy-Makers crave attention and need to be the center of attention of everyone’s focus; the only way that the Crazy-Maker will stop attacking you is if you do precisely what the Crazy-Maker is demanding – to behave like a doll at a child’s tea party. Crazy-Maker children are challenging, but Crazy-Maker adults can be exasperating, creating depression in the people around them and causing others to feel that the only way that they can deal with the Crazy-Maker is to retaliate with Crazy-Maker behaviour of their own personality style.

Everyone has triggers. Triggers are memories and meta-messages that can dredge up traumatic memories and emotions from the past. The best description of a trigger is this: imagine an open wound that has just recently scabbed over and is now waiting to heal. Imagine someone quickly ripping that scab off; the pain you feel when the scab is ripped off is as painful as the original injury. A trigger causes you to relive the same painful memory of the past experience, and, with each repeated trigger, the emotional scar becomes more painful and more permanent. Imagine that a hypercritical person makes a hurtful comment: you may be able to resist reacting for a long time because you are confident in who you are; if the incident has not been resolved or there have been no fruits of repentance, then the continued hurtful pattern of comments, or behaviours, become a messy pile that has just been pushed to one side. After the hypercritical person has repeated the pattern of hurtful comments long enough without any resolution, the messy pile has become a mountain or meta-message. Every time the pattern is repeated, the entire meta-message mountain becomes an emotional landslide, burying the sufferer with a mountain of unresolved hurt.

The time of Jesus’ crucifixion was the Passover. All Jews from all of Judah were required to celebrate the Passover at the temple in Jerusalem. This chapter is a short and very brief list of some of the RATSs involved in Jesus’ crucifixion.

Sociopaths and Psychopaths are probably created from task-oriented Technical or Action Personality Styles; it is the lack of empathy that removes the people-oriented brain activity from them.

When you argue, do you argue about details or feelings? When your opponent argues, does your opponent argue about details or feelings? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, have a task-oriented personality style or a people-oriented style.

When you argue, do you yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? When your opponent argues, does your opponent yell loudly with a lot of passion or yell quietly with an insulting tone of voice? The answer to these two questions will help you determine if you, or your opponent, are extroverted or introverted.

When you argue, do you threaten any violence? When your opponent argues, does your opponent threaten any violence? Negative Action Personality Style is the most likely to threaten violence so the answer to these two questions will determine if you, or your opponent, have a negative Action Personality Style.

There are many types of listening, and many will make a distinction between active, reflective, empathic, pleasure, learning, and investigative listening. For my purposes, Active listening incorporates reflective and empathic listening.

The Technical Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very detail-oriented, and have carefully considered facts before they decide on rules. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

The Action Personality Style individuals are basically task-oriented and typically very focused on results. This can set them up to be quick to speak and slow to listen.

Disagreements are impossible to avoid. However, it is possible to prevent disagreements from escalating into conflict if the disagreeing parties are willing to communicate calmly and resolve conflicts before escalation occurs.

Comprehension of information or a message is determined by content plus relationship plus context. Comprehension = content + relationship + context. The nouns (things or objects) in the message are the Content of the message; the verbs (actions) in the message are the relationship of the message; the details surrounding the subject (the noun that is doing something) and object (the noun that is receiving the action) are the context of the message. For example: if a message contains a car and a driver as content, there can be no comprehension of the message until the relationship and context can be determined; the relationship of the message might be: for sale, for repair, or involved in an accident. To complete the comprehension of the message, we still need context. With the content of the ‘damaged car’ and the ‘injured driver,’ and adding the relationship of ‘involved in an accident,’ we might assume that the driver was driving the car when it was involved in an accident. However, if we add in context (between the car and driver and the accident) that the injury occurred on a football field or that the accident occurred several months before, then we might comprehend that another driver crashed into the injured driver’s parked car, and the injured driver had difficulty getting in and out of the car due to the football injuries.

Conflicts are often caused by mistaken comprehension. According to Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication, words account for only seven percent of the message, so ninety-three percent of the message is related to the delivery of the message, and delivery of the message is impacted by the personality style of the receiver.

Opposites often do attract: introverted with extroverted; task-oriented with people-oriented. Even though there is a romantic line that says ‘You complete me,’ couples should never look to complete each other because the jagged edges of one individual can never perfectly match the jagged edges of the other individual. No two people can live together without disagreements, but conflict does not need to end a marriage if the two spouses are willing to become more Christ-like. It takes two people to have a conflict, it takes two people to resolve the conflict, and it takes two people to ‘grow together’ to avoid future conflicts. Marriage is a divine blessing; faith and marriage are made of the same key ingredients. Faith = love + belief + trust + hope. Just as you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong faith, you need love, belief, trust, and hope to establish a strong marriage.

I hope that it is self-evident that “Fight Fair” is a term for verbal arguments and not physical fights; I hope there are no physical fights in your relationships.

Always do the right thing. Always use your will to fight with integrity to achieve the best results. Every room in your home should be a safe zone (especially the bedrooms and the dining room). I have taught the DESK method to several families. One Christian family uses their garage for their DESK conflict-resolution meetings. If you were called to the garage, you knew that it was probably for a DESK conflict-resolution meeting (using the garage had the advantage of keeping the meetings short because the meetings were standing meetings).

Over the years, I have worked with several counsellors, and some have different systems of conflict resolution, and some don’t teach conflict resolution. I like the DESK approach best. The acronym is not important, but if the counsellor is not teaching Conflict Resolution, then you might be better served by another counsellor who does teach conflict resolution. In every conflict, there are two individuals who are at fault (to varying degrees); therefore, there are two individuals who need to grow in their STAR Personality Styles. If the counsellor is not willing or not able to identify areas where you both need improvement, then you might be better served by another counsellor who can help both individuals to grow.

If you see something wrong in the world, you can either do nothing or you can do something. If you see something wrong in yourself, you can either do nothing or you can do something. If you see something wrong in someone else, you cannot do anything except protect yourself.

If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, you don’t need to remain a RATS or Crazy-Maker for the rest of your life. If you are a RATS or Crazy-Maker and you have decided that it is time to grow up, you can use the relationship rules below to improve and/or establish great relationships. If you are a RATS or a Crazy-Maker, psychotherapy or counselling will be very helpful in overcoming your RATS syndrome or Crazy-Maker syndrome.

My primary personality style is Relationship STAR, which corresponds to the I (for Inspirational) in the DISC Personality Traits system. Therefore, this book would not be complete without a section devoted to inspiration.

The Holy Bible teaches that husbands must love their wives so strongly that they are willing to lay down their lives for their wives. The fight is against Satan and not against your wife.

A covenant is similar to a contract in that it is a formal agreement involving two or more parties. However, a covenant is different from a contract because there is no out clause in a covenant. Usually, covenants have God as one of the parties to the agreement. Marriage is actually a sanctified covenant; there is no out clause as long as God is a part of the marriage.

This chapter has every relationship rule that you will need to overcome the RATS or Crazy-Maker syndrome and/or to establish great relationships into your life.

The DESK scenarios are small examples, but sometimes a real apology is necessary as atonement for reconciliation.

You can never win if you lose your temper in an argument with a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker. You can never win if you lose your temper or release your anger on, at, or in the presence of, a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker.

As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is not the problem. As long as you are not a gaslighting RATS or Crazy-Maker, your anger is a very important part of your early warning system to protect your spirit from harmful trespass or transgression, such as yelling, criticism, complaining, gaslighting, or other negative emotional attacks.

This prayer should only be used with the Releasing and Expressing Anger described above. It would probably escalate the conflict if spoken to the person you are angry with. The following prayer actually came from one of my ‘Releasing and Expressing Anger’ letters.

This prayer is one of my daily prayers and is especially useful before starting a DESK session.

God created Humankind in God’s Image, and God gave everyone free will. We can use our free will to choose how to respond to our circumstances. How we respond to our circumstances can actively change the matrix of our STAR Personality Styles.

Because everyone has free will and their own unique circumstances, it is very unlikely that two people will react or respond in the same way to the same stimulus. Thus, there are no two people alike in the world, with a population of billions of people.

If we are able to follow Jesus Christ as our role model through the development of our STAR Personality Styles, the matrix of different STAR Personality Styles can vary across time, circumstances, and individuals. Not only can our STAR Personality Style matrix change in terms of personality styles, but we can also change in terms of the people versus task orientation of our personality styles.

The easiest way to demonstrate this fluidity is by exploring the development of my own STAR Personality Styles over my lifetime in response to different stimuli.